I sometimes receive emails and DMs from women wanting to know what they can do to look and feel younger. Many of them are at a point in their lives where it’s not as easy as it once was to stay in shape (hello middle-freaking-age!) or don’t like the things that are happening to their looks as a result of getting wiser.
Recently, I got an email from a woman who has let herself go to such a degree that she fears she can’t bring herself back. She’s living every day with the weight of regret alongside the weight that she’s allowed herself put on. Still, she possesses a burning desire for something better — for renewal.
I want to share her email with you. I want to share it so that if you too are having similar feelings or thinking similar thoughts you can take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I want you to read my response to this woman and know that it is meant for you too.
Of course, I asked for permission to share this with you. I’ve taken out some of the things that were very personal but left in the parts to which some of you may relate.
Dear Chickie,
I need your help. I’m so sad and down on myself lately. I’m overweight, I have no energy, and I don’t do anything that’s good for me or for my health. In a nutshell, I’ve let myself go and I feel hopeless.
I used to work out and take good care of myself, but slowly, I’ve settled into an out of shape, frumpy 48-year old woman. I know 48 isn’t that old, but I feel old. I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. I’ve become a very negative person because of it. I used to be very outgoing and loved to go out and have fun, but lately, all I want to do is to hide inside my house, and I’m finding it hard to look forward to anything. Like nothing good will happen anymore. The worst part is, that doesn’t even motivate me. I’m stuck.
Also, I feel very guilty for feeling the way that I do because I have a good life, a loving husband who loves me for who I am, and I have three great kids. I know there are people who have far worse problems than I do, and I feel ashamed for letting something like my looks make me feel this way. I feel ungrateful and that’s keeping me from getting motivated to do anything too.
I thought that you could help me since you are always so positive. I look to you for inspiration and I thought you could give me some guidance or advice.
I would really appreciate it.
Warm regards,
M
Dear M,
The hidden dream of most women is to feel good about themselves, and every woman, no matter what her age, deserves that. It’s a reasonable request especially after years of self-neglect. That you are feeling guilty about it says to me that you have bought into the notion that we as women don’t deserve to be cared for, especially by ourselves — that we’re are obliged to be there for everyone (our partners, our kids, our parents, our siblings, our pets, our friends, our bosses) but are not given permission to replenish what they deplete.
I’m giving you that permission.
We are all at some point – and that point is different for anyone – capable of giving up. There have been moments in my own life that I have also “let myself go.” Fortunately for me, my wakeup call (and that’s what this is) happened early — but that doesn’t mean that you’re having your wakeup call too late; it just means you have to work harder.
Look, you and me and everyone who has ever crossed the threshold of youth understand where you are at right now in your story. You’re deep in the middle, M. But the middle is not the end. Far from it. You get to define the terms of your second half. There are many chapters left in you, still, and it is up to you to make them sweet or funny or adventurous or steamy even. (I vote for steamy.) You get to decide how the rest of your story unfolds. Not completely, of course, there are always plot twists. But you do get to decide the actions you take every day. Actions that will bring you one step closer to the top of the rope you’ve let unravel.
There are few things more sobering than the loss of our youthful looks; there are fewer things more soul-crushing than the work it takes to regain even a fraction of those looks. And yet, you must know, that there’s a deeper story than the loss of the external, and that is the loss of control. That’s what you need to focus on…getting back that control. And the way you do that is by taking action. That’s also the way you get unstuck.
You just have to lean into the Fountain of Youth.
Notice I’m not suggesting that you jump in or dive in headfirst, rather, that you dip your toe and then a leg, etc., until you’re ready to submerge yourself in its waters. In other words, set achievable goals so you’re not tempted to quit. It’s a journey and one that is long and winding, and you have a lot of reparations to make.
Of this I am absolutely certain: Within your feelings of helplessness and regret and sadness there lies a sliver of hope. I know this because you wrote to me, and that is a clear indication that you are ready for a transformation. That’s the first step, and you’ve taken it.
But before true transformation can take place you have to ask yourself a question: are you willing to put in the work necessary? Because the second step is to actually get off your butt. And that can only happen when the pain of staying where you are is so unbearable that you are willing to do almost anything to feel differently.
I’m not going to sugar coat it, M. The indisputable fact is that as we get older, our bodies take longer to respond…especially if that body has been neglected. I’m not telling you this to discourage you, rather, to prepare you for the work ahead. It will require you to be resolute in your determination to change your life. You have to want so much to feel good about yourself that you will be willing to crawl through the muck it’s going to take to get you there. Are you prepared to do that?
If your answer to that question is yes, then I can certainly guide you, give you all the information and the tools, I can even keep tabs on you. I can text you every morning to remind you to put yourself first, but really, ultimately, it’s solely up to you.
You say in your letter that your husband loves you the way you are, and that’s a blessing. But you have to do this for you and you alone. I want you to think about something though…about how happy your husband and children will be when they see the wife and mother whom they love, love herself too. Because when you turn your light back on, the light will scatter on those around you. It has no choice…that’s what light does.
So let’s talk about what you can do to begin. This is where the rubber meets the road. No more lamenting the past, no more being sad about where you are now, no more feeling old and frumpy. NO MORE. Accept that you let yourself go. Accept that it’s going to take a lot of sweat and determination to see results. Accept that in this season of your life, what worked for you once will no longer work. Set your sights on a healthier, younger-looking, and happier future you. Keep your eye on the prize — and that prize is confidence. Because at the end of the day, that is the desired result…you being happy with you.
It’s hard work. But it pays off. The rewards for this work are not only superficial (although that is certainly a motivator for many — me, included) but physical and emotional too. You will be laying down the groundwork for the second half of your life.
The best part though — and my favorite reward for this hard work — is how empowered you will feel for taking action, for making yourself high-priority…for doing the hard things.
As Glinda (The Good Witch) said in The Wizard of OZ, “You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”
Are you ready? Let’s do this!
xoxo