Last week, on the 27th of April, we celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. Twenty-seven on the twenty-seventh. And as we embark on another year of marriage, we are having to confront many changes too: the empty nest, downsizing, getting older; a new chapter. We’re no longer the young couple — at least not by society’s standards. But if you know me, you know that doesn’t really have an effect on how I feel or act. I still view my marriage as I view myself: young-ish — still learning, still growing, never settling, and always, always grateful. We’ve shared a life, for better or for worse, yet it feels like only a few years have elapsed. Still, it’s a long-haul marriage because we’re in it till death do us part. Hopefully. And just as you need to know what to pack for a long-haul flight, if you want a successful marriage, you need to know what to pack for a long-haul marriage.
guide map
There have been times when I’ve wanted to consult with couples who have been in this married game a long time. I’ve wanted to get some advice on how they’ve navigated this beautiful, but difficult, institution. And then I realize, oh, wait, we are that couple. So why do I still feel like I don’t have a complete grasp on it sometimes? Why do I still feel like a novice, a newbie after all these years of experience? The answer is, of course, because marriages, change. And because we change.
We were kids when we first fell in love, not knowing what to expect from marriage or each other. One morning we woke up and had lived more than half our lives together. We’d raised children, built homes, built memories. built lives. But we are different people navigating different issues these days. Marriages evolve and morph into a new promise, settling there for a while until you feel you have it nailed. Then, suddenly…plot twist! And you are forced to start over, write a new story, renegotiate the contract.
So are there really any true marriage experts? Nope. You have to bring your own map.
compass
The notion of two people becoming one was never my goal. But love changes your heart and that changes everything. We see the other in us and us in the other. He is in me. I am in him, entangled and intertwined. And it’s fair to say that no matter how much you try to maintain your individuality, your independence, it’s impossible to do so completely. But, oh, is it necessary.
I feel strongly about learning how to read your own internal compass. To be able to articulate your own desires, identify your own beliefs, and nurture your essential self — separate and apart from your mate. Just because you are joined together as one doesn’t mean you are one. You are one team made up of two separate teammates.
a rope
No, not to hang yourself or your significant other. The rope is to play Tug of War, to bring the balance back when there are power struggles and power shifts. We own a virtual rope. As a marriage between an introvert and an extrovert, we need one when the two of us are against each other on certain issues in a test of strength, pulling tightly in our own direction and hoping to bring the other person over to our side. Sometimes I win, sometimes he wins, and that way, we both win.
extra baggage fees
What your marriage looks like after kids, or after many years, is much different than what your marriage looked like before kids and when you were newly wed. There’s extra baggage: resentments, disappointments, and unmet expectations. Instead of dumping the other person’s baggage, pay the fees and deal with it. It’s now part of the marital baggage. We marry, not only the person, but the person’s mess, and for that, you have to pay a fee.
a reality check
We don’t have a perfect marriage; we have a real marriage. One that is comprised of two separate humans with human issues — brokenness, selfishness, and ego. Oh, that ego. When I first embarked on this marriage journey, I thought — like most young, inexperienced girls — that I was embarking on the fairy tale. I expected the fairy tale because as girls that’s what we are told to expect. It took me many years, a lot of maturing, and a little sprinkling of wisdom to realize that the fairy tale does not in fact exist. What exists in its place is something better — it’s real life. Marriage is an awfully complicated thing, it’s dynamic, it’s raw, it’s fragile and precious; there are spectacular peaks, but less-than-spectacular valleys. It’s richness though, lies in the fragility and brokenness.
Ours is a real story. And I’ll take real over fairy tale any day. Becuase along with the real, there’s also depth, extra layers, a threading of two lives, years of cohabitating and comingling our individual selves to one another so unconsciously that sometimes it’s hard to know where one person begins and the other ends. (Which is why we need the compass, above.)
There’s a feeling of being tethered to each other, connected in ways that are more meaningful and beautiful than any fictional fairy tale.
clean-up rag
Every couple fights, but how you fight is the important thing. Fight clean. A good fight happens when you’re not trying
to prove who’s right, like a debate. Being aware of how you argue is a good step toward cleaning up your battles.
Through the years, we’ve said not-so-nice things to one another, we’ve disappointed the other, held grudges, held even bigger resentments, blamed, and really, really disliked each other at times. It’s easy to push buttons and set off triggers because you know exactly where those buttons are located and what will set off the trigger. And when you’re in the middle of it, its hard not to let the word bullets fly. I’m guilty.
That’s when the clean-up rag comes in handy. Through the years I’ve had to learn how to be big enough to clean up my verbal messes, admit when I’m wrong, and to apologize when I’ve fought dirty. Either fight clean or clean up the mess you leave behind.
pen
A marriage contract is fluid. Boundaries are made, boundaries shift, lines are crossed, and sometimes you find yourself having to renegotiate the contract. As you evolve as a couple, many things change. What worked in the beginning, may not work today. You need a good pen to re-write the agreement. Communicate your new needs, make new promises, and amend the contract. When you outgrow that one, whip out the pen and amend the contract again.
x-ray goggles
Everyone just wants to be seen, understood and appreciated, and this holds especially true in a marriage. In order to have a deeply meaningful connected relationship, you need to see your spouse for who he really is: an imperfect human trying his/her best. See past the surface to the core of your spouse and it will change everything. Look, when said spouse pisses you off, it’s hard to see the child of God underneath the person that is pissing you off. Try. Try hard. This one takes practice and good quality goggles.
magnifying glass
Not to be confused the above goggles. The magnifying glass serves a different purpose; the x-ray goggles will help you see the inside of your spouse, the magnifying glass will help you see the good deeds.
I vow to look for things, big and small, to appreciate about my hubby every day. I don’t always succeed. But there is always something to appreciate in your partner — sometimes, though, you just need the tools with which to see it.
fertilizer
Marriage is an institution meant to nurture the growth of two people, and there is no deeper growth opportunity. But we humans, like plants, grow at different times and at different speeds. Even if you started out in the same planter, one may lag a little behind, then catch up and pass the other who may then lag behind. One may thrive from sunlight, the other from the safety of the shade. At those times, one of you may need a little fertilizing, some extra spiritual nourishment in the form of understanding and compassion. Either way, I’ve learned that people grow with love and appreciation, not criticism and nastiness.
garbage bag
Marriage is one place where you are forced to face your garbage. Whether or not you want to keep your garbage hidden where it doesn’t have a chance to be faced, your partner will inevitably bring your garbage out into the open, call you out on your garbage, and make you face garbage you’d thought you’d trashed long ago. And that forces you to grow.
repair kit
You can love someone and still hurt them. Don’t avoid the pain. Fix it and let it go.
I’m often perplexed by the fact that so many marriages survive at all. The fusing together of two broken pieces isn’t easy. Like a precious vase that has been put together, there’s always the risk of it breaking once again. There’s a fault line, a fragility where the crack once was. One false move and you’re once again two separate and broken pieces. Two beings wanting more than anything to be seen, accepted and loved.
My friend, Gabe, said something to me the other day that made a lot of sense. He too has been married a long time. He feels that people are too quick to divorce, not willing to stick it out and fix the problem. He said, “There are times when I want to divorce my kids. They disappoint me, piss me off, and fall short of my expectations. But I can’t divorce them so I have to work on my relationship with them. I have no choice. It should be the same with your spouse.”
surgical tools
So that you’re not tempted to put Band-Aids on wounds that need surgery. In the beginning, I used to think that if you never had an argument, never disagreed, you were on your way to a successful union. I’d feel secure in knowing that we only had disagreements once a month when I was PMS-ing. But the winding path of marriage is littered with necessary obstacles meant to help you communicate and to learn. One day, the band-aids came off and the wounds were left exposed all at once. We were forced to perform surgery on a whole lot of old wounds. We learned that lesson. These days we deal with injuries immediately, perform surgeries when necessary, and never, ever try to cover anything up with a band-aid.
a white flag
Finally, know when to wave that sucker. Sometimes (and we all know this) it’s better to have peace than to be right. Sometimes, the healing work can’t be done alone, so commit to getting whatever help you need. I used to think couples therapy was the last resort, a lifeline to a marriage that was on the brink of disaster. And it can be. But it can also be a way to help you navigate difficult or recurring issues. We went to therapy several years ago and it was the best thing we ever did. Sometimes, I wish I could channel our therapist or have her move in. Skype? For now, we use the tools she gave us to help us communicate better and it’s been a game changer.
I feel there is still some stigma attached to seeing a therapist; like if you’re admitting that you don’t know how to handle your own relationship. But sometimes a neutral party helps you see things that you can’t. You’re too close to the problem. I say if you need help, get help. There is no shame in that.
xoxo,
V