How Are You?

How are you? No, really, like how are you?

On the inside?

How does your heart feel?

I meant to get this post out on World Mental Health Day but computer problems prevented me from posting. I was going to scrap it, post something educational on skincare or some other thing I want to talk about, but then this thought: Is there only one day when we can talk about mental health?

Clearly, the answer is NO.

Clearly, this is a subject that requires more than a passing glance or a quick conversation. Mental health should be the main focus for most people; without it, like physical health, the rest of life is meaningless.

So let’s have a chat…about our lives, our hearts, about the struggles we women face in everyday life, and – since this is an anti-aging blog, about what aging does to our mental health.

I’m aware that not everyone struggles with aging. But if you don’t struggle with aging, you may struggle with something else, and this post may be relevant to you as well.

My goal for this post is to help you talk and to help you listen. I believe that the most powerful way to help each other is to share our stories without judgment (self-judgment included), fear, or shame.

I also hope this helps you realize that you are not alone, that you are not crazy, that you are not weak. It’s all part of the messy, complicated journey. And to give you permission to reprioritize yourself, make the changes you need to make, get the help you need to get.

You are not alone

First: If you are a card-carrying member of the human race then at some point in your life you have dealt with anxiety, sadness, or depression. No one is exempt. We all have our own grab bag of issues, cohabitate with our own demons.

I’m no exception.

As I get older, I drop some issues that I’ve outgrown, but I pick up some new ones like they are bad habits. Some days, I find myself not wanting to get out of bed. I feel a heaviness descend upon me like a heavy fog.  Most of the time there is usually no reason for my funk. Sometimes, it’s something really insignificant that knocks me off my feet; an argument with my husband, a situation with one of my boys…in other words: life. But these days life can sometimes paralyze me and I don’t know why. That’s when I realize that there is something going on inside my body, physically, that is bringing in the fog.

My body is changing and not just on the outside. It leaves me feeling lost and untethered like I’m stumbling in the dark.

For me, knowing that others go through similar dips helps me get over my own shit. Yet, very few of us are willing to cut ourselves open and expose our demons. Our pain and fear, our yearnings and our sadness, remain hidden, silent. Woman are encouraged to plow through, sweep it under a rug, take care of others before taking care of our own needs. But if those needs are emotional, those feelings will only escalate until there is nothing left of us but a shadow of our former selves.

We will wither, not from age, but from silence. And silence encourages silence.  So let’s talk and let’s listen.

The mid-life blues

Call it a crisis, a curse, a shit show…whatever you want, but there does exist evidence on the psychological distress in women aged 45-60.

Thank God! I’m not making this up. I’m not depressed, I’m just old. Yeah.

I love that there are doctors who are studying this now. We are an under-researched sub-group of women, which means there is little information about the causes of the mental health challenges associated with mid-life.

But if you’ve ever experienced mid-life blues or blahs or more severe symptoms that are triggered by the changes that are an inevitable part of getting older, you don’t need some dude in a white lab coat to confirm what you already know: that you’re in for a bumpy ride. Being a woman approaching, or in the thick of middle age, will knock some of you on your ass and have you asking, WTF?

Even if you’ve made it thus far unscathed, you enter the middle of life and BAM! Here comes middle age. Get yourself a new grab bag because you are about to fill it.

Stop and think. We face things in midlife that we don’t face at any other time in our lives…

♥ empty-nest

♥ menopause

♥ divorce

♥ Career changes

♥ the death or caring of a parent

♥ loss of fertility

♥ physical effects of aging

♥ Health issues – Middle-aged women, compared to middle-aged men, experience more age-related health changes and complications. (source)

Is there anything more joy-sucking? No wonder we are such a depressed bunch!

I used to explain to mothers of young kids what happens once your children become teenagers. It’s as if they are possessed. They look like your children, you know that they must be yours, but they don’t act like your children.

I think the same thing happens to us in midlife. We are possessed. But to make matters worse, unlike our children, we don’t look like ourselves; we look wrinkly, softer…older. Oh, and throw in that you forget where you put your cell phone, and you look everywhere for it while you’re talking on your cell phone, and you’re complaining to the person you are talking to (on the cell phone) that you don’t know where you put your cell phone (I’m raising my hand here), and…

WTF? WTF? WTF?

But is it the hormones?

If you’ve ever experienced the fluctuations in mood caused by your fluctuating hormones — PMS or pregnancy or post pregnancy— and now the approaching decline of your fertility, you don’t need proof that some of your craziness stems from the hormonal upheaval that is going on inside of your very female body.

But if you are one of those women who need scientific proof, here it is:

There is evidence that women entering menopause have a higher risk of developing depression. (source) 

In fact, recent studies indicate that the likelihood of depression during the transition into menopause is about three times greater compared with premenopause. Women with a history of depression are nearly five times more likely to have a diagnosis of major depression in the menopausal transition.

“Declining estrogen levels from menopause alone can cause sadness, irritability, lack of motivation, anxiety, mood swings, fatigue, aggressiveness, and difficulty concentrating. For some women, the peri-menopause and early post-menopausal years may constitute a “window of vulnerability” during which challenging physical and emotional discomforts could result in significant impairment in functioning and poorer quality of life.”  (source)

But like I said, we knew this already. This ain’t our first hormonal rodeo.

Also, this study suggests that women who enter into menopause early have a significant risk for the first onset of depression. (source)

What can we do?

We can stay awake at night and wonder where the day went or the weeks or months or years, or what is happening to our bodies, our skin, our minds, or…we can take action.

Look, believe it or not, I’m a realist. Yes, I have a high-heeled foot in the young clouds, pretend that this aging thing isn’t happening to me, get anti-aging treatments — Botox is the great pretender — but it’s all smoke and mirrors. Deal with the issue. That’s what I tell myself.

When I’m feeling the fog, I let myself lie in bed a little longer than usual, I may even throw myself a little pity party, but then I get up, put on my big girl panties, and do something.

More wag less bark.

But sometimes it’s not that easy. And I know that just willing yourself out of bed at times seems impossible. Those days, I’m learning to let myself feel the feelings, as they say. I don’t try to “get happy” as if I could snap my fingers and do it. But I do try to work through whatever I’m feeling, give myself a day, and hope for a better day the next day. That seems to work.

None of us is ever finished growing or healing. Like one of my favorite podcasters, Jess Lively, says, “Let the human have the experience.”

Get Professional Help

Please, don’t be afraid to seek help. I know that when you are in the thick of it, you don’t see how you could possibly get out of it. But there are ways to cope and there are people that can help.

If talking to your spouse, your parents, your BFF or a stranger on the plane, doesn’t help and you are struggling with any form of depression, anxiety, or sadness, please get help from a professional. Below I’ve listed some resources for you to look into, but you can also talk to your primary healthcare provider, or your gynecologist, to refer you to someone.

Tools and Resources

Here are some resources that may help. I’ve read the books I’m recommending and they helped me. I hope they help you too.

Books:

Loving What Is, by Byron Katie.

The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle

A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Lost in the Middle: Midlife and the Grace of God, by Paul David Tripp

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck, by Sarah Knight (for comic relief)

Other online resources:

Women at the CrossRoads: A literature review of the mental health risks facing women in mid-life.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 (TALK).

National Institute of Mental Health

National Alliance on Mental Illness

American Psychological Association.

Project Hope and Beyond

A note on medication. Look, if you are suffering, even a little, then do what you need to do. Low-dose antidepressants have been shown to improve symptoms (source)

There is a lot of stigma associated with anti-depressants. But as a friend of mine said to me — and I quote: “So I’ve gone my whole life without taking pills. Now I’m in my forties and I need a little something to get by. I’ve gone my whole life without getting Botox and now I need that too. Big whoop”

If you and your doctor are considering medication, be aware of aware of the side effects. But as another friend told me, “I love my medication. It made me gain 10 pounds but it also made me not give a shit that I gained 10 pounds.” And there you have it.

Whatever works to steer you faithfully into your best life — even it’s already the middle of it. It might mean making some changes in your relationships or your career or letting go of certain behaviors. Just take the first step.

It doesn’t mean life will be perfect; it never is. There are good days and bad ones. It’s okay to feel lost, to wander around a bit until you find your footing.  Whatever is happening, you are not alone. I’m right here with you in pursuit of a healthier, happier life.

So, how are you really?

xoxo,

V